I had a friend

I had a friend. He was the type of friend that always greeted me with a hug and left me with a smile. We were friends through work changes and life changes. We talked about our kids, our families, our worries, our everyday lives. Most of all we laughed. We found a way to smile and uplift each other no matter what latest crisis surrounded us.

When job changes made keeping in touch a challenge, we still maintained contact, even if only by email. We would plan ahead for coffee or lunch to be sure we had time to catch up with whatever we had missed since our last visit.

I considered him one of my “front row” friends. This is saying a lot because very few ever make it to my front row. To me he was the equivalent of myself. He treated me with kindness and caring, with not a mean bone in his body. I felt he had a truly good heart. Not so easy to find.

For reasons I still don’t know or can imagine, he disappeared. Poof! Gone! He stopped returning emails, phone calls, and any gesture of friendship. I told myself it must be a family crisis possibly or maybe an illness. I had no idea.

I began to wonder if I had done something to offend him. Did I hurt his feelings somehow? Without his input, my mind went to all possibilities. Such as, could I have been wrong about him? Did I see the friendship as more then he did? Did I feel the friendship deeper the he? What did I do to drive him away?

Years went by with nothing but silence from him. I assumed the friendship had ended for reasons I would never know.

Almost a year ago this October, my cell phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. I was so shocked at hearing his voice I couldn’t think of anything to say. We were each in the middle of health issues, mine with my mother and he with himself.

We slowly began talking on the phone with maybe a text or two. Then we had coffee. It was as if no time had gone by at all. It seemed we picked up right where we left off. The laughter returned in full force. I realized how much I had missed him and I didn’t want him to disappear again. I had missed him more then I thought.

We got together for talks, exchanged texts, met for coffee and just hung out while doing errands. This went on for weeks, then months. Around Christmas, I started to notice a change. A change in my feelings. A change in his actions. When I asked if it was just me or were things changing between us? His response was that is wasn’t just me. He felt it too.

Things progressed slowly. We didn’t cross the line he didn’t want to cross. My feelings grew deeper and deeper. He said he felt the same things I felt. We weren’t sure what the future held but we hoped and believed we would walk that road together.

Months passed as we got to know each other on a deeper level then in the past.

Around late May, something started to change.

I started to notice slight changes at first. Broken promises. Breakfast get together where he never showed, not even bothered to call with a reason. He seems to step back from being the friend I thought I knew.

The biggest shock to me was my birthday. He knew I was struggling with it and it was a very tough day for me. He promised to come to my party. He didn’t. Not even a phone call with an excuse. He didn’t even return my daughter’s calls asking where he was. The hurt I felt from him that day felt very deliberate. He chose not to come for a reason only he knows. He had to know how deeply it would affect me. It was as if on some level he was being mean on purpose. A way of punishing me? A way of pushing me away?

After that, he withdrew even farther. His action became almost cruel. Cruel is a word I never thought in my wildest dreams I would use where he is concerned. His favorite word to me became NO. No to coffee. No to breakfast. No to escorting me to daughter’s wedding. I had asked him as a friend. Someone I could laugh with and talk to through out the event. NO.

His texts are few and far between. Coffee has been once in the last month or so. No calls.

I am left to try to figure out what happened. If he didn’t care for me, why didn’t he just tell me? I can handle the truth much better then this treatment. Was I not the kind of friend I thought I was? Was I not caring and kind enough? What did I do?

This has left me feeling vulnerable. Unwanted. Unlovable. Like a bad friend. Like a bad lover, even though we weren’t. This has been a blow to my self-esteem. It has been a long long time since I let anyone get this close to me. Did I misunderstand his words and actions in the beginning? Did I misread the signs he gave me?

I tried to love him. I tried to be kind to him. I tried to be the ‘safe place’ he hasn’t felt in years. Was I too nice? Was I too stupid? Did I come on too strong? Was I too open? I tried to always be available to listen to him, even when he stopped listening to me, even when he seemed to stop caring.

This has all been a lesson. A tough lesson. A lesson that I have not figured out yet. A lesson that is trying to teach me something that I can’t yet see. A lesson that I just don’t understand. His actions that I just don’t understand.