turning 50 sucks!

It's true, turning 50 sucks!

For months leading up to my 50th birthday, I was embracing it. Had a positive attitude about the whole thing. Man, did that change.
About 2 weeks before the "big day", my point of view began to change. I began to ask myself - what the hell do I have to show for being on this earth for 50 yrs? Any answer I came up with seemed lame.

I admit there were a lot of changes taking place at the time, big changes. At least to me they seemed huge.
My only child was getting married and moving to her own place, which meant I would be moving also and living alone.
I never imagined my life being like this at this age. Here I am a 50 yr old pre-menopausal woman living alone with cats. OMG! I have become one of "those" women.

I went into therapy after turning 40 because I was having a crisis of needing to deal with childhood crap that I had tried to push down and pretend never happened.
So I assumed that after 10 yrs of therapy, I would be healthy enough, emotionally and mentally, to be in a loving committed relationship. WRONG!

I must have done something right because my daughter found a wonderful guy and had enough sense to realize it at her young age. She realized that what she had with him was the best she could ever find. Thank god for that.

So my question to myself was - if I raised a child who is able to find a wonderful relationship...why can't I do it for myself?

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I so defective? Am I so unlovable?

Statistically - I am a 50yr old over-weight woman...therefor my chances of finding a mate are extremely low.

People tell me "it will happen" . . .oh yea? I have been divorced for almost 20 yrs...gee still waiting.

I thought that after doing all the work in therapy on myself to grow and be a better person would result in being healthy enough to find and maintain a relationship. That didn't happen.

There is no answer. There is no solution. It just is the reality of the situation.